Anxiety

I want to be someone else

I want to be someone else

I want to be someone else

No matter what I do to change my frame

I still remain the same

I want to be her

but I want to be you

I can’t stand what I see

When I wake up and look into

and within

but I’m without

My reflection

Reflects anxiety, fear, and doubt.

Sometime I hope my face is a spoof

or a bad dream

where one day I’ll wake up and look like you

and the dream will be over

the nightmares gone

my face will melt

into something better

before too long.

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Pulse

Pulse.

Addicted and I will follow,

your beat keeping me sane

on the nights I can’t shut my eyes.

Except for the brief moments when I have the most lovely lucid pictures steaming through me.

I breath you in,

and breath you out in forms of the most beautiful clouds.

I come here looking for answers,

and only find them to bury them within you.

Bird Songs

I’m tired of seeing birds at my window pane

For its what they represent that breaks my heart with each inch they rise further up
I am in this room
This cave
This doorless, black cavern
I am one with the dust and the spiders and the filth that crawls from the corners of the floor boards towards me
I want to be a bird that sits and stares through my window at me and invitingly floats above the glass as if I could follow.
I am me. No bird, and no dust.
Just a mountain slowly avalanching into a basin river.
Once something great,
Now something hidden.

Telepathic Ways

Look at the sky

It has something to say
From its universal soul
Into mine
Telepathic words
Streaming through my veins
An unspoken conversation
Tabs in rows
Taking bows to the next new worlds
The drink takes a hold of you
Like a hand in the sky
Pills and lines driving you high
Everything runs deep
We can only see the surfaces
The depths left unwritten
We share them like coalescent hushes
wishing we’d fall under
just to see what lies above
Whispers lined upon tables
Eventually absorbed in our brains
Still observant
Yet annihilating and inebriated
Tabs in rows
Taking bows to the next new worlds
The drink takes a hold of you
Like a hand in the sky
Pills and lines driving you high
A concave body with concave bones
Forgetting to eat
Accepting only the unknown
A human form
on a cot
sleeping and dreaming hallucinations
and finer lovelier things
there is an axiom in the silence
when your mind has closed
all the walls have fallen
just to rebuild stronger
and there were times when lips remained open
as if inhaling were instinct
just to release a dancing cloud
Tabs in rows
Taking bows to the next new worlds
The drink takes a hold of you
Like a hand in the sky
Pills and lines driving you high
as clouds rise from lips
that carry a blackened core
released from an internment
risen from a place
back into wandering arms

Immortal Ways

Lifting vexations

Up from where they stand
Nothing goes as planned
Once trusted
Now betrayed
12 am thoughts rape me
And leave me
Open and bloody
On street side walks
I leave my face
I leave my name
No Identity
I’m over the shame
I’m with myself
And whoever is in my bed
When the sun falls
When the moon rises
I grow my fangs
And claws sharpen
Latching onto a new

Substance

My Lovely Anonymous-

I lay away on substance wondering about you. Are you asleep? Are you awake? Are you feeling as lovely as I feel about you?

I wish I could feel indifference towards you. You love my naked body, but do you love my naked soul? Do you like the way I walk when we are sober, and I’m clothed? Or is it just when we are alone, inebriated, and unclothed you enjoy the way my hips move as I walk up the stairs?

I see the way you look at her; sunlight that beams from your soul. Light shining through your eyes that I wish I could create with my bare hands- and I try so deeply. I want to fill a void that somehow we’ve built so quickly. I fill it. I try. Drink after drink and line after line I want the thought of you to go away.

You have a problem with the idea of us, and that is what pains me the most. You are ashamed, and it breaks every bone in my body due to it.

I will never be that girl that she is, as deeply as I want to be, it will never happen.

I will not change for anyone, and I believe that is my main ailment.

But if you are the thing I am sick from I do not want a vaccination.

I will die slowly for that love I know I will never have, and the grossest part of that is that I’m okay with it.

You are not the first to make me feel this way.

I look for love in many, and give myself to many because I do not love myself the way I love others.

Until I can learn to do that for myself, you will be my only addiction.

I wish I could say yours truly,

drenched rain

as every rain drop falls from the eased open abyss above

a piece of myself falls as well.

walls

neither liquid nor solid

nor the in between

somewhere riding the pendulum

swinging briskly from left to right and back again.

experience

as a child you come to understand who you will become. the smell of smoke or the idea of an escape allures you quickly or not at all. until one day you’re crying and you’re not completely sure why. until you look in the mirror, and look into your own eyes and realize why. stability turns into instability. love realizes its just lust, or an addiction. theres no such thing as forever, just an indefinite amount of time that is soon massacred into a bloody shamble..

hold your hopes close to your heart, for they are all you may consume in this lifetime.

grotesque thoughts stream through my mind of you

you’ve torn me open over an agreement just to throw a star into my back.

i bleed for you.

i fall for you.

i rise to scorn you.

goodbye.

City Sidewalks

Skimming shoe after shoe on the taupe pavement,

that some call a bed,

or even a home,

she looked down to see she was standing on a cage.

Oh how she wished she would fall through

and see what lies beneath the surface.